


Sexism and the Jedi

by Snootiegirl



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Empathy, Friendship, Gen, Jedi Code, Metafiction, Ryloth - Freeform, Sexism, The Force, Twi'leks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-06
Updated: 2014-04-01
Packaged: 2018-01-11 08:32:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1170931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snootiegirl/pseuds/Snootiegirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aayla Secura is not an average Twi'lek female. She's not an average Jedi either.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Rating: T (just because kids would be bored to death by this adult theme . . .)
> 
> Disclaimer: All characters belong to Disney. I make no money from writing this fanfiction. I do, however, work out a lot of my own questions this way. Also posted under the same name on fanfiction.net.
> 
> Notes: I'm trying something a little different. Turning a meta thought into a fictional account to let the characters play it out in their universe. Will the rating mature? Don't know yet.

* * *

Aayla Secura let the door to her meager cell close softly behind her before she slumped against it and let out a large puff of air. She was glad to be home, such as it was.

Not since her time as a Padawan had she felt so frustrated, divided, and directionless. And she was no longer a teenager, navigating those tumultuous years with a male Kiffar Master to guide her. She was a grown woman and a Knight. She should be beyond this sort of questioning and second-guessing.

Or at least that's what her training told her.

She knew that Master Vos had done his best for her. And she had adored him for his protective streak and infinite patience with her. She really couldn't complain about him as a teacher. He had had his own demons to deal with as well-dodging the pull of the Dark side while carrying out the dirty work of spying for the Council.

She knew he loved the delicate nature of espionage, but she also knew first-hand the toll it could take on one's soul. When she was Knighted, she vowed to alternate undercover missions with more standard work. And so far, it had worked for her.

But she was beginning to see a pattern in her undercover work assignments that she was particularly unhappy with. Something that spoke to her in a primal fashion. She was always assigned with a male Jedi-whatever the species. She did not lead her missions. And her casting fell into two distinct categories. She was either the paragon or the whore. She was never the equal partner. She was never the boss.

Aayla did not like these assignments. And they reminded her of conversations with her Master, his Master Tholme, and one of Vos' close friends from his Padawan days, Master Kenobi.

* * *

Sixteen-year old Aayla entered the communal dining hall dutifully behind her Master. She was luxuriating in the amenities of the Temple in a way that most Padawan who were not apprenticed to spies didn't understand. The opportunity to let her guard down, the time to be in a crowd and not suspect everyone around her would as soon kill her as anything else, and the ability to procure food, shelter, and clothing immediately were miracles to her. She breathed in the rich aromas of unspoiled and nutritious foods.

The two of them made their way through the lines and met at a table occupied by one of Master Vos' agemates. Aayla liked Master Kenobi's warm smile and lilting accent. He radiated 'civilized.'

"Padawan Secura," Obi-Wan greeted the young Twi'lek woman with a nod. "How are you faring under Quinlan's tutelage?" Obi-Wan vast the slightest smirk toward his friend.

Aayla missed the slight fun Master Kenobi poked at her own Master. "Very well, Master," she replied with gravity but accompanied the statement with a sweet smile. She almost idolized her Master at this age. Nothing anyone else said or thought of him would shake her opinion.

Obi-Wan returned her smile sincerely. "Excellent. I'm sure you are an attentive student as well."

Quinlan beamed at the notice of his apprentice. Then he turned to Obi-Wan and asked, "And how is young Anakin getting on?" His tone softened as the question brushed up against the death of Obi-Wan's Master Qui-Gon Jinn. It was too bad, Vos thought, that the joy of taking a Padawan was clouded by the loss of his mentor.

Obi-Wan's eyes clouded briefly before settling into his usual placidity. "He is well, thank you. Adjusting to the Temple seems to be giving him more trouble than anything else." He reflected on the life his Padawan came from, so harsh compared to the shelter of the Temple.

Aayla followed the conversation avidly. She knew what it was like to come to the Temple from less than ideal conditions. Her thoughts traveled her training bond with her Master, and he turned his eyes briefly to her to acknowledge her.

With his mind on his own Padawan's background, Vos replied, "Yes, sometimes it is the less regulated moments in the Temple that prove to be the greatest trial." His mind traveled over some of Aayla's earliest experiences. His Padawan felt warmed by her Master's recollection of her early years, even before he took her for his apprentice. Their bond had been strong enough that her greater moments of unhappiness had caused him to appear and help her.

Obi-Wan allowed himself a small sigh. "It's just that he's sometimes-so-emotional. I don't know how he's ever going to release all of that to the Force. It almost overwhelms me at times."

"With time . . ." Master Vos offered. Aayla looked up into his brown eyes, pleading with him to allow her to speak. "Yes, Aayla?" he prompted.

"Master Kenobi, my Master and I were having a discussion recently about releasing emotions. I know that Anakin is human, not Twi'lek, and so his experience is different from mine. But do you think that the release of emotions is governed more or less by species than by gender? Or is gender the greater factor?"

Although Aayla had posed these questions to her own Master, she knew that Master Kenobi's background as a diplomat gave him more space to consider such things. Master Vos' usual contacts with criminals didn't usually require analysis of emotional motivation beyond greed, anger, and hatred. She was interested in the human Jedi's perspective about other emotions.

Obi-Wan finished the bite he was chewing with thoughtful silence. When his mouth was empty, he cleared his throat slightly. "That is an interesting discussion, Padawan. What brought it up?"

Aayla was concerned that Master Kenobi was evading her question, but she obliged his curiosity as a dutiful Padawan should. "On Ryloth, I was taught that a female Twi'lek should sublimate her emotional responses in order to remain as docile and subservient to the males of her clan as possible. We keep our place, hold no opinions, are not allowed even to grieve overly." She paused and sought out the Master's compassionate eyes.

"I see. Go on," he responded.

Inhaling shakily, she did. "This type of cultural norm makes the women empty vessels, devoid of even the most subtle and natural responses. Other cultures are repressive of their males' emotions. As Jedi, we are taught to be pools of tranquility with the Force, to release our passions, but I cannot help but feel that this type of emotional restriction is only a modified incarnation of what I experienced on my homeworld."

Aayla's eyes dropped to her lap as she finished. This was more than she had even expressed to her own Master. She could feel his surprise and displeasure through the bond. Perhaps she shouldn't have put these thoughts into words, but the seeking of knowledge defines the Jedi. She couldn't let the opportunity to discuss this troubling matter with Master Kenobi pass. She would accept the consequences of her decision.

While her own Master was deciding whether to reprimand her right there or wait until later, Master Kenobi came to her rescue. Placing his hand lightly on Quinlan's arm, he shook his head slightly. He turned to address Aayla again.

"You are very troubled by this, I can perceive, Padawan. I commend you for the courage to bring your struggles to light. Your Master must be very proud to have such an intelligent and perceptive apprentice." He returned his hand to the table and clasped both of them together in front of himself.

Aayla slowly raised her eyes to his once again. "Thank you, Master," she said quietly.

"Now," he continued, "to return to your original question about the emotional state of species and genders, I have found that species does have a greater effect on a beings ability to control emotional responses. And having said that, I would add your second point that culture is also a larger factor than gender-although the cultural influence might be gender-specific, as you said."

Quinlan shifted slightly, feeling out of his element. But he attended to not only Obi-Wan's words but also Aayla's reactions to them.

"However, we as Jedi do not place different expectations on our members based on species, culture, or gender. All are expected to learn control over their emotions. We do not use the cultivation of emotional control as other means of controlling the individual which, as you have pointed out, is common within Twi'lek clans." He paused to check in with Aayla to see if she was following him. She nodded to indicate she was.

"It only seems logical that you would parallel your experience with your family to that of the Temple. But I assure you that no Jedi is expected to become an 'empty vessel' as you put it. We are more objective observers of our own emotional responses. We feel, but we release. We experience, but we control. Does the difference seem clear?" He smiled her warmest smile at the young girl, encouraging her to be honest with him.

Aayla took a moment to reflect on the Master's words. Both his and her own Master's eyes on her seemed to encourage her to quickly acquiesce to Master Kenobi's argument. But she still had some questions.

"Master, with all due respect, how do you account for differing levels of emotional response? As you said yourself, your own Padawan has very strong passions. I myself am passionate at times, though I have a few years more training than Anakin. Is it not a greater burden to place on someone with these 'proclivities' than on a species that might not naturally emote? How is that fair or equitable?"

She felt that this time she might have gone too far. Master Kenobi's eyes had narrowed during her last question. He looked perturbed himself, for a moment anyway. But Aayla held her ground, damn the consequences!

After a tense moment, a genuine smile broke out on Obi-Wan's face. He reached across the table to pat her folded hands. "You have given me a great deal to think about, Padawan. I thank you for your insights. Shall we continue this discussion on a weekly basis, as long as we are both in-Temple? With your permission, of course, Quinlan." He turned to Master Vos with hopeful eyes. Obi-Wan dearly loved a kindred intellect. And he felt he had found one in this young girl.

Quinlan waved a dismissive hand toward his friend, "By all means. The two of you can match wits and talk yourselves deaf." He smiled to indicate his jest, but nodded toward Aayla to indicate the permission was real. He was actually grateful for Obi-Wan's offer.

As Master Kenobi stood to bus his lunch tray, he said, "The next time we discuss this, Padawan Secura, I will have had time to think about your words through the lens of my own Padawan. I hope to bring new knowledge to our talk." He bowed and moved away.

Aayla was satisfied for the moment.

 


	2. Chapter 2

This mission was so similar to countless others.  _Why does it grate on me then_ , Knight Secura wondered.

She put her wandering mind aside to focus on the tableau before her. She was once again the dutiful daughter and virginal icon to her Jedi partner. She dressed provocatively, but maintained a distance from all of the men on this small moon. All these criminals, she corrected herself. Spice dealers and child traffickers. She swallowed her disgust as always.

Keeping a very attentive vigil from the side of her 'father,' Aayla absorbed all the details that might prove useful when they finally broke from their roles and destroyed this particular crime ring. The shifts in power between different participants; the vague unhappiness radiating from underlings. Her partner was trying to negotiate a deal that was vastly advantageous to himself but not so much to the heads of the syndicate. Disguising his greed in a shroud of entitlement that went with his fictitious royal title, he played the naive minor monarch used to getting his way.

And Aayla watched. And waited.

Vice, she had learned over the years, was addictive for a reason. Physiologically similar to others of their species, Jedi could feel the allure of sex, drugs, and power. And sometimes these assignments required them to indulge more than they would ever have imagined, coming into contact with the scum of the galaxy and every sort of vice one could ever imagine.

It was often a set of trials that she put alongside her Jedi Trials for comparison. Which was harder? Holding up under extreme conditions in pursuit of a life as a Jedi, or holding up under extreme circumstances when any indication that she was anything but thoroughly enjoying herself and the company would mean the end of her life?

At least she knew through her Trials that the worst that would happen would be her failure to attain the rank of Knight. She wouldn't be sold into slavery herself. She wouldn't be tortured for information before being mind-wiped. She could have entered the Jedi Corps and had a productive life anyway. These were the thoughts about her missions and her roles within them.

Why did she continue to take them? Did she have any choice?

As a Twi'lek, she was thrust in the role of the pleasure worker and dancer, naturally. The galaxy saw females of her species as mostly that. Not that she was the first Jedi of her people, but they were rarer than humans.

And a Jedi Knight did not question the wisdom of the Council, did she?

Vice was as corrosive to her emotional serenity as the proximity to the underworld of crime. She lost her center frequently when forced to 'serenely' let weapons dealing, child slavery, and genocide go on in front of her and pretend to promote it as well. Meditating often didn't help on an extended mission where her every move, even in private, was monitored. She felt herself slipping further and further into her 'characters' each time she took on a new persona.

And some of them were patently 'uncentered'.

When she was alone with her thoughts for the evening, she invariably questioned herself about the value of being sent on these undercover missions where she had to play-act. Acting required discipline in a similar manner to her Jedi training; however, the ability to even imitate emoting was taxing on her inner serenity. It was easier to try to create some real emotional responses to the situation and project them than to 'fake' it. Master Vos had taught her that.

So she embraced her emotions in the field and reeled them back in when she was once again a Jedi. But the whiplash effect was beginning to take its toll on her. She began to ask the questions, am I being used? Am I truly doing good in these roles? Would a male be asked to debase himself in similar ways for the 'greater good'?

"Padawan Secura, it is a pleasure to see you again," Knight Kenobi said as she entered the small meditation room they had established as their meeting space. It afforded them quiet and privacy to continue their conversations about the nature of emotional control.

He was already seated on a meditation pad, looking up at her as she stood. She bowed slightly to the Knight and assumed her accustomed spot. She folded her legs under her and closed her eyes. They both always began with silence to collect their thoughts from the outside of the room and to banish anything that might distract them. Each of them enjoyed this mental exercise.

After a short time, the senior partner in this endeavor spoke. "Anakin threw another fit," he said with great sadness in his voice. "This one started after a class, but he was unable to let it go even hours later in our own quarters."

Aayla inquired softly, "Do you know if he was like this before coming to the temple, Master?"

Obi-Wan frowned a little. The truth was he knew next to nothing about where Anakin came from or who he was when he was there. Qui-Gon had been the one to observe him on Tattooine. Obi-Wan only met him onboard the starcruiser during their emergency take-off.

And then there had been many more important things to do than query the boy about his past.

Especially since he was supposed to be letting go of all of it anyway.

He sighed a little and let his frown relax. "No," he replied. "I don't know." They subsided into silence again.

To Aayla, the obvious course of action seemed to be to ask Anakin. BUt then she wasn't a Master. Perhaps her instincts were dead wrong. Maybe talking about such things would just encourage Anakin to indulge them more. No having grown up in the creché with other initiate and Force-sensitive agemates, Anakin hadn't had the mental conditioning from a tender age that she had to release strong emotions into the Force.

Then again, she startled herself, isn't that exactly what we are here to debate? Should all potential Jedi be expected to use the same methods and reach the same results with regard to emotional control?

Timidly, she found her voice and asked, "Master? Would asking him about his past and his emotional state break the Code or your responsibility to him as his Master?"

Silently, she reprimanded herself or her earlier thoughts. She didn't want to advocate that Master Kenobi treat Anakin just like any other Padawan. She was here with him to sort out her thoughts and misgivings about the control and repression of emotional response. She was not here to accept dogma. She sat up straighter as she awaited a response.

Obi-Wan found himself once more impressed by the mind of this young woman. She brought so much new perspective to his trials with Anakin. He smiled ruefully and pursed his lips.

"No," he repeated. "It is not against the Code. I thought a clean break would be best for him after leaving his mother and losing Master Qui-Gon." He commended himself on his own control, not tripping over his Master's name after only seven months since he joined the Force.

"And now?" Aayla prompted gently.

"And now . . . let me ask you the question, Padawan Secura. Do you talk about the people and the life you left behind on Ryloth? Does it make you feel stronger in your dedication to training as a Jedi?" Obi-Wan's tone was almost pleading, desperate for a working answer.

Aayla took her time reflecting. She had spoken to her own Master numerous times about her past before he had found her and brought her to the Temple. He could ask her specific questions, however, since he had been physically there himself. He asked about her relationship and memories of specific people he had met, places he had visited. She knew Obi-Wan did not have that knowledge of Anakin.

She cautiously opened her mouth and began speaking. "Perhaps it is less important how he feels about the past than how he feels about the present. You cannot change who he was, Master, but you can help him discover who he is and then together the two of you can build who he wants to be."

Obi-Wan let out a held breath, finding much truth and certainty in the young woman's words. He was caught off-guard as she continued.

"And as you get to know who he is, he can reveal more to you about who he was, what he felt. Forcing him to ignore the past that has made him who he is surely not conducive to engendering his trust in you to map out his future together with him. Nor would it convince him to let go of the past which might hold back his Jedi training."

Her conversation partner waited patiently this time to assure himself that she was finished speaking. She lowered her eyes to the floor, signaling her release of the floor to him. He chastised himself silently for several minutes, leaving her to wonder what he was thinking.

Finally, he said, "You are right. I cannot ask Anakin to trust me in all things if he doesn't feel that he can trust me with this basic facet of himself. He cannot be trained like all other Padawan. He cannot be expected to react to the Temple and his training in the same way as children who have lived here nearly all of their lives, who have not witnessed the things he most certainly must have seen as a slave to the Hutts." Aayla raised her eyes to his again with confidence.

He stopped short there though, knowing that Aayla's Master had already started exposing her to some of the harsher realities of the galaxy though she was still young. Jedi were a strange mix of sheltered and experienced. He also knew that her talents and the circumstances of her species were likely to indicate that she continue along the path of undercover work that Masters Vos and Tholme pursued themselves.

He wasn't sure how he felt about that either. She had certainly given him a lot to meditate over these past few months of their meeting.

Having purged some of his own frustration, he cleared his mind and smiled at Aayla. "And what topic of conversation have you brought to our meeting this month?" he asked.


	3. Chapter 3

The rustling of the audience in attendance at the Senate subcommittee hearing was grating on Aayla's nerves.  _Not very Jedi Knight_ , she conceded to herself. Straightening her back, she refocused on the proceedings.

Senator Amidala resumed her cross-examination of the Minister of Economic Expansion and his alleged role in some rather underhanded dealings.

"Tell me, Minister," she pronounced civilly but there was no Force-sensitivity needed to hear the strain in her voice. "What happened after you hired this group of people on Alative?"

The Minister lifted lazy eyes to the young woman and narrowed them every so slightly. How dare this child question him? "I do not understand your question, Senator," he replied with his own civility apparent to no one.

Padme turned her head to her colleagues on the subcommittee in a silent appeal. Someone perhaps older and male could get better cooperation out of the Minister, even though she was the chair of the committee. Bail took up her questioning.

"I believe that the Chair wants to know how this group of people on your payroll became the largest slave dealers in the Inner Rim shortly after you hired them," he informed the man seated before and below the committee.

A small gasp when through the crowd.

The Minister leaned toward the microphone positioned in front of him. He picked up his glass of water, said, "I don't know anything about that unfortunate situation," and took a long, disinterested drink.

Bail's jaw tightened. He turned to Padme seated to his right, and said, "Let's call the witnesses now."

Aayla was called to take the Minister's place at the immaculate table of heavy Kashyykian wood. She sat with all the grace of both a Twi'lek and a Jedi, folding her hands within her cloak which she had worn for this most formal of occasions. She didn't often get to give eye-witness testimony in a judicial setting. More often, justice was served at the end of her lightsaber or in an incendiary blast.

Padme resumed her role. "Master Jedi, please recount your experiences when you were working undercover as a member of the group known as the Midnight Path."

Aayla began at the beginning where she assumed a new identity, repressed all of her disgust at what she would have to do in the role, and justified it all in the name of the Republic, the Order, and the galaxy at large. She ended with her eye witness accounts of the Minister's direct involvement-sometimes wielding a vibroblade himself-in the business under discussion. She referred to holovids she had recorded as well. All in all, it was an airtight case.

The cessation of her words left the chamber silent as a tomb. More than one audience member had left during her recounting of some of the more grisly details. She didn't blame them one bit. Most of them were just looking for an administrative link between the Minister and the slaving. The revelations of just how closely he monitored this particular part of his jurisdiction made the attendants realize that a Senate inquiry was less appropriate than an indictment and trial were.

Finally, chairwoman Amidala found her voice, clearing her throat of phlegmatic outrage.

"Thank you, Master Jedi. The Republic is in your debt for your hard work and courage," she said as she inclined her head slightly.

Aayla resumed her position next to Masters Vos and Windu who both had particular interest in the case. Vos had hand-picked the assignment for her. And Windu had known some of the government officials from Alative from an assignment during his Knighthood-some of the officials who were up to their eye stalks in this same slave business.

When the Minister was recalled to the testifying spotlight, his ease and assurance was unscathed. He wasn't afraid of anyone on this committee. He knew his immunity was guaranteed by larger forces.

As Knight Secura watched the Senators try to elicit any sign or word from admission from the Minister, she could sense a rising tension in the non-Jedi in the room. When Senator Amidala finally let her emotional tirade loose on the man, Aayla had sensed it coming.

But she was unprepared for when Master Windu leaned over to her and said for her ears only, under the melee that had erupted, "Emotional outbursts will help nothing. It is a shame that Senators are not trained in Jedi restraint. They would get so much more done in a much less shameful way."

The two Masters rose from their seats; Aayla just a heartbeat behind them. Their work finished here, they left to see to the next catastrophe.

But privately, the young Jedi admired the young Senator's ability to express herself. She didn't say anything that the rest of the non-Jedi (the other criminals notwithstanding) weren't already thinking. But she had the position for voicing what others were mumbling. Aayla thought that Padme might have won more than lost this day.

Six months after the conviction and incarceration of the Minister of Economic Expansion, life with no parole-apparently he had become dispensable to his 'higher authorities'-Senator Amidala was celebrated by the Senate for her one-woman crusade to pursue any and all associated with the slavery ring and her legislative push to close the loopholes that had made it not only easy but virtually irresistible to the amoral to pursue said line of action.

 There was no official Jedi pronouncement about the Senator's success fed by her 'emotions'. 


	4. Chapter 4

Quinlan Vos and Senior Padawan Aayla Secura were assigned to investigate a rumored environmental disaster on Aayla's homeworld Ryloth. Strange diseases were afflicting all of the children of a particular province. Unchecked growths, mutations, and birth defects were becoming rampant within an 18-cycle period. The Council was concerned about new pathogens arising from the corrupted ecosystems.

There were two potential culprits-both chemical companies who had chosen Ryloth and this particular province because of tax breaks and the generous support of the government leader. None of his family had so far been affected.

When the Jedi team landed, Vos immediately assigned Aayla to blend into the general population of the afflicted province even though her native accent was a little different. She had practiced the elongated vowels on the transport to try to disguise her origins better. She felt prepared for the assignment, until she arrived at the port.

The silence was the first thing she noticed. No children playing in the nearby play area. No street vendors hawking their wares to the newly disembarked. Even the native fauna seemed to have been affected. Aayla tried not to let the shock show on her face. She moved through the crowd with purpose as if she were not a visitor new to the area.

First, she surveyed the local merchant's shops to get the lay of the land. She browsed the wares while eavesdropping on the conversations around her. The words "sick" and "dying" reached her ears all too often in the context of discussing people's children. The hushed nature of the conversations told her as much as the content. The averted eye lines spoke of a people shouldering a heavy burden. This was something that  _shouldn't_  be complained about, but it was nevertheless.

Both chemical companies employed large numbers of the local population. That alone made it difficult for them to complain about negative side effects. They had welcomed the economic development in this small, isolated community. They had gladly made concessions in taxation and regulation in exchange for the promises of long-term security.

Ironically, these monstrous off-world conglomerates exploiting these unsophisticated people actually built hospitals and other community-owned organizations such as schools and municipal buildings. But these were all a charade. After the initial investment in the buildings themselves, there was very little financial support to maintain proper staffing and functioning. Eventually, even the buildings themselves (built to substandard levels) would physically reflect the lack of caring that was going on inside and out.

These particular Twi'lek's were typically much taller than Aayla's clan. She had met some in the past and remembered their proud statures. But as she continued to a local bar and sat at a table, pretending to read a datapad for entertainment, she noted the postures of the men and women which spoke of oppression. Conversations were all quiet and contained-nothing raucous like you would expect in this type of establishment. Even the dancers on the stage were slow and lax in their gyrations and moves, as if they moved through thick gel that dragged on their limbs.

No one was sitting at the edge of the stage offering anyone extra cash for their efforts.

At the end of the day, Aayla rendezvoused with her Master to compare notes. He had been touring the chemical factories in his guise of a potential customer. He would handle the inside surveillance while Aayla watched outside.

"What else?" he asked her a little impatiently.

"Isn't that telling, Master?" she asked him.

"In what way, Padawan?" he asked back.

"I have never seen a place inhabited by my people that was so lacking in life. Twi'lek men not watching the dancers in the bar? Twi'lek women not flirting with the clientele and the owner not dressing them down for it? It's as if the very life force is being sucked out of them-they don't behave like Twi'lek anymore. They are droids with flesh," she concluded with a sigh.

Vos studied his Padawan for a moment. "But I thought that you always maintained that Twi'lek females were supposed to be mostly devoid of emotional responses anyway? Isn't that what you and Obi-Wan discuss all the time?"

Was her Master jealous? Was he mocking her?

Aayla looked into his deep honey eyes. She opened her mouth and then shut it again. Turning away from him abruptly, she clasped her hands together tightly and repeated some of the Code to herself. After a moment, she turned back to him.

"Yes and no," she allowed. "The men are always lively in their pursuit of the pleasures of the flesh. Partly it's hormonal; partly cultural. But the idea of unmarried women who work in the pleasure business not demonstrating the flirtatious and seductive attitudes they are trained for is unacceptable, abhorrent even, to an owner of such an establishment." She stopped to see if her Master was paying close attention.

She took a deep breath and continued, "More important than the lack of emotions in the female is the male's need for  _control_  over the female psyche. The fact that these patrons and handlers didn't care about the behavior of the women is, under normal circumstances, unthinkable."

Aayla hoped that he got the idea. She didn't know how else to say it. This situation was  _wrong_. The forces at work here were changing not only the physical health of the community but also altering their deepest seated cultural norms. She began to speculate if the two were more closely linked than she had even suspected before.

The suppression of hormones, the altering of sex drive, the shift in power dynamics of one small community all at once could very well destroy every man, woman, and child here. It was too much too quickly. As much as Aayla personally balked against some of the cultural norms of Ryloth, she knew that change had to be organic and healthy. This was neither.

Vos contemplated her words while he stood restlessly facing her. His weight shifted back and forth from right to left, constant motion giving him something to do while he considered what he had discovered himself.

After stating that his business would require higher output than the chemical companies were currently producing and intimating that he didn't care what methods they employed to reach such capacity, Vos had started to get the bigger picture from the inside. Mentions of 'leaps in productivity' linked to 'experimental methods' of extraction and refinement started to crop up in his tour guide's spiel. No mention was made of proper testing procedures-new methods were pushed as fast as possible to increase production. The two companies had even collaborated a few times despite their positioning as competitors.

And the waste of such procedures was never, ever mentioned. As if these procedures were completely without any byproducts whatsoever. When Vos had tried to enquire whether there were any 'potential problems' with the processes, the firm negative and consequent redirection of both the tour and the conversation told him all he needed to know. Disavowal of responsibility was the company line.

Still, Vos knew that getting someone on the inside of these organizations to witness and testify to the practices would be their best bet for cracking them. His goal was to find that person whose conscious was getting the best of him or her. Someone local who was in a position to know both sides of the equation-company and community. He had several candidates he planned to approach in the next few days.

Vos finally replied to Aayla's speech. "Very well, Padawan. Thanks for the intelligence. For the next few days, I want you to gather holophotos and statements from people who have noticed the medical issues in their families. Start at the hospital and work out to people's homes. They will be most likely to talk at home, where they feel safer and less observed. You can tell them that you are an investigator from Lessu's Communicable Disease Commission. We do not want anyone to know that this has gone off-planet." His body language reinforced this last pronouncement with both of his large palms open and pressed slightly toward Aayla.

She nodded, understanding the reasoning. It was one thing for Lessu to be checking up on one of its provinces, but quite another for the Jedi to do it. Officials in Lessu could still be bought off to cover up the occasional indiscretion. Not so with the Jedi.

Aayla tried her best to get a good night's sleep aboard their transport that evening. She knew that she was lucky to be bedding down in a secure location-most of the time she'd be in native lodgings where a lock on the door meant nothing in terms of safety. But she was having trouble quieting her mind. She kept thinking about one scene that had unfolded in front of her today. Something she hadn't mentioned to her Master yet . . .


	5. Chapter 5

Obi-Wan awaited Padawan Secura to unburden herself to him. He noted the small frown on her lips, the lines between her brows. He knew she was just back from another undercover mission with Quinlan, this time on Ryloth.  _What had happened_ , he wondered.

Steepling her fingers in front of her and resting her elbows on her knees, Aayla turned her head slightly to the side and away from Master Kenobi as she ruminated on her next contribution to their conversations. Sunlight streamed into the meditation room, hazy and lulling. It was hard to think of the things that bothered you in such an inviting space.

She did her best though.

Aayla decided to confide in Master Obi-Wan about a disagreement she had had with her Master. This was something she had avoided for all the time they had been holding their private discussions. It wasn't her place to air her grievances with her Master to another-especially a friend of his. But this time, she was going to make an exception.

"Master Vos and I had our first serious disagreement this last cycle," she began.

Obi-Wan's surprise showed plainly on his face. Such an expressive face, she thought. What a genuine waste . . .

She continued with her narrative.

"We were undercover on Ryloth, investigating the impacts of two chemical factories. It was clear from the moment we landed that there were negative influences at work. The Force roiled around the inhabitants as if in sympathy to their plight. I immediately began to blend in to the populace. Master Vos investigated the plants proper," she said.

Aayla stopped to reflect on the conversation she and her Master had had following her report on the bar.

* * *

After emerging from the bar with the strange sights of men not ogling the women onstage, Aayla had nearly stumbled over someone sprawled across the sidewalk. A young woman, barely clothed and recently beaten, bled freely as passersby just stepped over her. No one spared even a glance for her.

Aayla knelt down next to the woman to check for a pulse and murmur quietly to her, "Are you conscious?"

A faint moan reached her from the crumpled form. Aayla immediately started to check on the young woman's injuries. They appeared to be painful but not life-threatening. Someone had beaten her with fists but not anything else.

But how did she get here on the sidewalk, Aayla wondered.

Keeping a calming hand on the girl's abdomen, she craned her neck to look down the street both ways. A speeder was moving away from them at a sedate speed. It was headed in the direction of the factories. Aayla stood up to get a better look and noticed the logo of one of the companies on the side of the speeder.

A better survey of the surrounding area from her standing position revealed no other likely place for the woman's body to have materialized from. She must have been dumped, Aayla concluded. But why?

And even more importantly to Aayla, why was no one helping her? Not one person had so much as cast a glance at the two women, one prostrate and the other actively searching for assistance. In the end, Aayla had scooped up the young woman herself and found the local healer. After obtaining medical assistance, Aayla had proceeded to her rendezvous with her Master.

On her walk, she felt herself becoming more and more agitated as she replayed the indifference of the residents to the young woman's plight. Whoever had hurt her initially was obviously a brute, but the brutality of the people who refused to even acknowledge her state of need was even worse. As if she had a sign on her that told people to stay away.

Aayla paused in her steps. A sign. The speeder. The chemical manufacturers. She was starting to put some things together. The kind of fear it takes to make people ignore their instincts for helping another being who has been injured is staggering. There is that kind of fear here-everywhere.

But when Aayla finally relayed these events to Quinlan Vos, he took them in as if she were reporting on the weather. He did not share her outrage and indignation at the negligence of the people. And this aggravated Aayla.

"Master. Doesn't this act show that the emotional toll on these people is greater even than the economic or even the physical? What is the ravage of disease to the ravages of apathy?" Aayla tried to keep her voice level and use reason to help her Master understand the gravity of the situation. But he was listening without hearing her.

Vos held up a hand to stop her from adding more.

"Padawan," he began. "We will do as we have been mandated by the Council. We will gather information and turn it over to the Senate investigators to stop any illegal activities."

Vos spoke calmly to counteract his Padawan's forceful assertions, to soothe her. They were not here to intervene directly. They couldn't without risking their covers. She knew that.

Vos went back to re-calibrating the HoloVid recorder that was disguised as part of the insignia on his tunic. He did not expect anything else to be said by his Padawan.

Aayla spoke in a low voice, "The Senate will take too long. The damage will be irreparable. This sociopathic behavior could affect generations of Twi'lek. It could follow the diseases into other villages. These nameless, faceless corporations don't care about the pain they are causing these people. And these people will eventually not care about the pain they cause elsewhere. This is an epidemic already." She shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out the images and the knowledge.

As Aayla continued in her agitation, Vos remained unmoved in his conviction that all they needed to do to help the people was to finish their investigation and report their findings. Action against the criminals would be more beneficial than anything they could do just the two of them anyway.

Vos tried again, "Aayla, I sympathize with their plight. We will do what we can."

Aayla knew that any action taken by the Senate or the Jedi Council wouldn't be enough to address these damages she had observed. They could shut down the offenders, but they couldn't change people's hearts. It crushed her to think of what these people would really lose.

Family, friends, community, shared experience, and cultural pride would all suffer. She knew that she needed to finish her role and collect the information she was tasked with, but she couldn't quell the outrage that this had happened in the first place.

What good was being a Jedi and trying to be a peacekeeper if things like this still happened in the galaxy? How was she to sleep at night knowing what she does?

* * *

Sitting in the warmth and comfort of the Temple, Aayla explained the effects of the situation even further for Obi-Wan.

"A village that size would have family ties between every single individual. Before the chemical factories brought in strangers from elsewhere, no one would have suffered what that young woman did without a friend or family member rushing to her aid-most likely many such people at any given moment. This is such a disturbing development."

Aayla choked back her emotions the best she could. She looked at her companion for his reaction, to see if he understood what she was saying.

"I felt helpless and insignificant. I questioned my place in the galaxy," she confided. She hadn't shared this even with her own Master.

In all the years they had been meeting and talking about this and that, Aayla had never asked Obi-Wan to so clearly take her side of an issue. They had mostly spoken theoretically as drawn from practical experiences. Obi-Wan would talk about something he was struggling with in his training of Anakin, or Aayla would detail a difficulty of her own. But neither was asking the other to fix anything or take any type of action on their behalf.

This was different. Aayla was a Senior Padawan now, likely to be Knighted within the year. She felt that her subordinate status to Obi-Wan was razor thin, and she looked forward to altering their interactions. Perhaps the two of them could even partner on missions in the near future. Then they would have shared experiences and make decisions together.

She was looking not for a Master or a guide. She needed a friend.

But she was to be disappointed.

Obi-Wan began talking about social agencies that would move in to help the people. The Council would make sure that they did. The Senate as well. There were committees and subcommittees for this sort of thing.

Aayla let him talk for a few minutes. He stopped abruptly when he realized that she wasn't really listening to him. Her posture said as much.

After a moment, Aayla decided to risk burning the bridges of companionship that she had built with Obi-Wan. She was at a crossroads on her journey as a Jedi. She needed the catharsis of resolving her feelings about these issues once and for all.

"Obi-Wan," she began, never having used his name without at least an honorific before. "That's not my point. As upset as I am about this situation on Ryloth, I am more personally grieved that my friend cannot spare at least a modicum of empathy for my situation. You don't seem to care that I am so despairing about this situation and my role in it."

Obi-Wan was shocked into silence. He didn't know what to think much less say.

Aayla rescued him, "It's ok. I didn't really hold out a lot of hope that you would. You are many fine things, Master, but an empathetic ear isn't one of them. You hold the Code too dearly for that."

Again, Obi-Wan was surprised by Aayla's accusations. But his Jedi stoicism came to his rescue-at least enough for him to formulate a response.

He said to her, "I'm sorry that I am not meeting with your expectations, Aayla. We have never met before to offer that type of support. I am unprepared, I am afraid." He held his hands up in a gesture of surrender. He really was caught off-guard by this whole development.

Aayla stood and walked toward the door of the room, knowing that she would never again meet with this man in this place for these reasons. At the threshold, she stopped and turned around.

To the seated man she said, "I hope that you never find yourself in need of a friend and unable to find one, Master. It's only in those moments that we realize how little comfort there is in a Code of conduct."

Aayla walked out and didn't look back again.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

War descended on the galaxy and devoured everything in its path. Knight Aayla Secura, General Secura now, led her Clone troops in many campaigns. Her admiration for their courage, ingenuity, and execution of duty and training far exceeded any other group of non-Jedi she had ever known.

She even found the companionship of emotion that she had been searching for all of her life. Her men, her troopers, filled many holes in her life that had been gaping even through her fulfillment in becoming a Jedi Knight. Although she still held herself somewhat apart to maintain propriety and chain of command, she soaked up their auras and presence like a thirsty sponge.

Everything she had ever suspected about the power of emotional response in the execution of duty and the Will of the Force was confirmed by these slave soldiers who gave their lives and their deaths for the Republic they had never even lived in. The only families these men had were each other. The only emotional comfort they had had was each other.

As for emotional guidance, the Jedi leading the Clones was akin to teetotalers running meetings for recovering alcoholics. Without the requisite personal experience, the leadership couldn't provide any kind of model or help that was meaningful. Children without parents--an army of orphans fighting a war that made no sense.

Aayla was particularly moved by the Clones' loyalty to her. She, essentially a stranger to them when she was assigned, was given their unquestioning allegiance and unrestrained enthusiasm in her own protection. She had never felt so accepted and included, not even in the Temple. Aayla admitted to herself that although her feelings were not sanctioned by the Order she was glad for the experience.

Leading men in battles across the galaxy was very different from her undercover missions. She knew that her former Master continued to alternate between undercover and leading battalions of Clones himself. She also knew from speaking to him that his relationship with his soldiers was the complete opposite of hers.

Vos saw the Clones as barely better than droids. Built, programmed, used, and disposed of--these were the qualities of machines, not sentients. Vos had always had an easier time connecting with the underbelly of the galaxy than even his fellow Jedi--the darkness that permeated Quinlan's soul stimulating him toward both his own goals as well as the Order's.

Aayla respected her Master. She valued his companionship when she had it. And she truly believed he was a powerful Jedi in every sense. Not every individual could possibly manifest the Force and its will in the exact same manner. There would be no need for the diversity of life if that were the case. The Force shaped different tools for different purposes. This was one of the tenets that Aayla had always clung to when she felt most at odds with the Code and her fellows.

Therefore, her views and relationship toward the men she commanded differing from those of her Master did not surprise her. If anything, they gladdened Aayla because they confirmed what she already knew to be true. She was Jedi. But she was not anyone's duplicate. And that truth was more comforting than she had ever thought possible.

Thinking back to her days of connection with Obi-Wan, Aayla remembered her struggles to try to conform, to shape herself to match what she perceived as the mold of a Jedi Knight. She certainly felt that that was Obi-Wan's goal for Anakin. He strove to make him into a 'Jedi' as if that were one thing that they would all attain or not. He did not see the plurality that Aayla saw.

And that was why she had ended their conferences.

She didn't feel that she could learn anything more about what it was to be Jedi from him. She had to construct it for herself from that point on. That was what her experiences in undercover missions had taught her. Jedi was as broad a term as 'leader' or 'justice'. The infinite layers of meaning and degrees of significance were personal and individual. Just as each eye sees color differently, each Jedi becomes differently.

Thus, when the orders were issued for her battalions to join Master Kenobi and Knight Skywalker's forces on Roonala 3, she looked forward to meeting the man as an equal finally.

When the troop transport landed and the heavy doors opened, Obi-Wan stepped forward to greet Knight Secura. He was curious to see how she had changed in the time since they had enjoyed a certain intimacy of contact. He thought that outwardly she had changed but little.

"Knight Secura," he greeted her. "It is wonderful to see you again." He smiled his genuine warmth.

She returned the expression with a small bow of respect added on. "Master Kenobi. You look well, my friend." She gestured to Bly to deploy the troops onto the planet. Her second-in-command knew from experience what her orders would be; all would be arranged to her satisfaction.

She joined her fellow Jedi as he turned to lead her to their command center. The pleasantries over, in his opinion, he turned to duty. "We are grateful for the presence of the famed 327th, Aayla. We have hit a significant obstacle to defeating the Separatists here. Your advice and guidance will be much appreciated." He gestured her into the tent, where Anakin awaited them both.

"Knight Secura," Anakin greeted her with an incline of his head.

Aayla and Anakin had had precious little time to interact in their tenure with the Order. He and Obi-Wan had traveled on missions as extensively and continuously as she and Master Vos. And since she was more than a few years his senior, their peer groups had very little contact. But through her former connection with his Master, Anakin knew that Aayla was special.

Obi-Wan did not make time to spend it with someone who was less than worthy. And Obi-Wan's opinion meant everything to Anakin.

Therefore, he afforded this women respect as a matter of course--something very few other Jedi or individuals of any sort enjoyed from Knight Skywalker.

He gestured to the holomap the three of them now gathered around, their Commanders settling in behind them unobtrusively but reassuringly. "Here's the current situation. Just like the action on Ryloth, the Separatists are using the native population as living shields," Anakin paused and sucked in a deep breath, repressing his revulsion at such a practice. Aayla waited patiently for him to continue.

Setting his jaw, Anakin said, "Unfortunately, some of the native Roonalans have sided with the Separatists. They are exploiting a cultural divide in these people that has led to several genocidal purges in the past." Anakin pressed a series of buttons on the holomap emitter to bring up a series of faces of native Roonalans.

Aayla studied the people of this distant world. She saw few physical differences between the majority ethnic groups and the minority ones. Another example of trying to make everyone conform to one mold of who they think all Roonalans should be, she thought. It always made the GAR's work harder when the peoples were divided in their loyalties. She had no desire to hunt down sentients exercising their right to choose and decide for themselves. Droids had no such rights.

Obi-Wan took up the briefing then. "We've bombarded this central fortress for weeks to no avail. We need a less traditional frontal strategy. That's where your troopers skills will come in handy, Aayla," he said.

She looked into his blue eyes when he said her name. She had always liked his eyes. Kindness shone from them even as he tried to deny that he had any untoward emotions unbefitting a Jedi.

He continued, "We need your Special Forces to find a weak spot. Something we can exploit and widen until we can get a foothold inside." He gestured to the holoimage of said fortress where Aayla's eyes and strategic mind were already cataloging features that would be the easiest to exploit. Bly moved up a fraction closer to her, stretching to perform the same analysis.

When she was satisfied that she had three or four good starting points, she looked to Bly for his tacit agreement with her assessment. "Here, here, and here," she said succinctly as she pointed to the map. Bly nodded to each and then pointed out a few more. Aayla was impressed with his efficiency and accuracy.

She turned to Obi-Wan and Anakin, "At nightfall, we'll be off. Is there anything else?" The two male Jedi looked a little stunned at the speed at which she and her Commander assessed the situation. Anakin looked at Obi-Wan and seemed on the verge of saying something but bit it back.

Aayla suppressed her own grin. "If you think of anything, I'll be in my tent resting," she said. Then she ducked out of the command tent and made her way past her troopers, offering a few words here and there.

Anakin and Obi-Wan conferred with Rex and Cody briefly before dismissing them too. Then, Anakin had to ask.

"Has she changed much?" he asked with a small smile that was threatening to fall into a full-blown smirk.

Obi-Wan looked at him askance. "No, not really. Aayla always had her own ways of seeing and doing things. It was what I admired the most about her," he answered.

"You?" Anakin scoffed. "Admired unconventional tactics? Since when?" He crossed his thick arms across his thicker chest and stood menacingly over his smaller former Master.

Using the back of his hand to cuff Anakin lightly against the nearest bicep, Obi-Wan retorted, "Just because I don't want to go along with every hair-brained idea you come up with doesn't mean that I don't appreciate an unique approach to infiltration." He crossed his arms to meet Anakin stance for stance.

The younger man rolled his eyes, "Ok, Obi-Wan, whatever you say. I'll just step back from you so that the Force lightning that Qui-Gon is going to send your way for lying doesn't singe me too." He laughed at his own joke.

Obi-Wan couldn't help but smile at the reference to his Master. It was true that Qui-Gon had driven him to distraction with his flouting of convention. Ironic when you considered that he engaged in some pretty unconventional tactics to become Qui-Gon's Padawan in the first place.

"I remember you used to come back from talking to her and you'd be different. Almost cheerful. For days," Anakin continued.

"Yes," Obi-Wan responded distractedly, a faraway look in his eyes.

"But you stopped your meetings . . . " Anakin prompted. Anakin remembered that time well. He and Obi-Wan would often be at odds. And then Obi-Wan would see Padawan Secura for a short meditation and chat and return almost a different person. When they stopped meeting altogether, Anakin was quietly saddened for his Master. He had seemed to need whatever he got from the tête-à-têtes. 

"Yes," Obi-Wan replied again in the same manner. When silence ensued, he looked at Anakin directly, realizing that his partner was awaiting a more detailed answer. "She ended them. I think I disappointed her. She was trying to tell me something that I either didn't want to hear or felt that I couldn't."

"Couldn't?" Anakin asked, his mind whirling at what that 'something' could have possibly been.

"Couldn't . . . understand. At the time. It's . . . complicated," Obi-Wan said, dismissing the subject summarily and walking away. He wasn't ready to discuss what Aayla's presence had prompted in him. He certainly wasn't ready to discuss his apprehensions as Anakin's Master with Anakin himself. Not yet. Not yet, he thought to himself.

As for Anakin, he was left to wonder what Padawan Secura had taught his Master.

\----------------

After six standard years of meeting to discuss topics of emotion with the ginger-haired Master, Aayla had learned a lot about him. She knew that he liked to drink tea. She knew that he was a kind man. And she knew that she admired him for many, many things. She felt safe questioning the Code and the Order here.

But she also knew that there was a certain veneer to the older Jedi that she had yet to crack in all this time. He would talk at length about his Padawan and their struggles to maintain the balance of power and discipline in their relationship. She counseled him to the best of her ability given her lack of experience. Sometimes she suspected that she was just a sounding board more than a confidante. He didn't expect her insights, but he always welcomed them.

Whether he agreed with her or put any of them into action was another matter.

After she ended their habitual meetings, she occasionally bumped into Obi-Wan at the Temple. After she was knighted, he made a point of congratulating her the first time he saw her. She returned the favor upon Anakin's knighting--that accomplishment rightfully being shared by Master and Padawan.

But their interactions would mostly be classified as cordial. Not warm. Not friendly. It saddened Aayla to have been let go so easily, even though she was the one who had walked out. Obi-Wan practiced what he preached about attachment and emotions. He seemed to place no more value on her friendship than anyone else's.

Aayla resigned herself to this state of affairs.

And then she saw him in his role as High General of the GAR. And she was before him in her role as General as well. With their soldiers surrounding both of them, performing duties they were never trained for nor did they necessarily want to perform. And Aayla wondered. She wondered how the war had changed Obi-Wan. But more than that, she wondered if he would admit to any changes. Did Master Kenobi still espouse the Code so strongly?

Did a peace-loving Jedi who led thousands of men into battle after battle ever see the irony of his situation beyond the obvious? Did he understand now what she had been trying to tell him?

Would she have the courage to ask him?

The following evening, Aayla and her squads quickly formed up their usual configurations and executed their usual efficient insertions into hostile territory. The infantry followed them, igniting an enormous firefight that lit up the Roonalan skies and obscured the rest of the galaxy's lights. Although Aayla's troops were as experienced as any battalion in straightforward warfare, she preferred to conserve them for the types of operations they had just handled. Why waste their special forces skills as cannon fodder?

She had long since instituted a set of protocols for her men to blend and trickle to the back of the ranks, fighting where they could, saving who they could, but also maneuvering for the preservation of the team as much as possible. Their hard-won and hard-mastered skills were not to be thrown away lightly.

So when the word came that General Skywalker had been seriously injured, Aayla was decidedly too far away to help immediately. She knew he would be making his way back to her position in good time accompanied by medics. She waited for his arrival and kept herself busy in the meantime.

She was not prepared for the state of General Kenobi at the side of General Skywalker. 

Obi-wan walked with one hand on the side of the stretcher on which lay Anakin, covered in blood. Ayala knew from experience that it was likely not all his own blood. But that didn't make it any less shocking. Nor did it do anything to prepare her for Obi-Wan's state of mind.

There was so much contained in those blue eyes that Aayla felt compelled to lower her gaze. The storm there was too powerful. The swirl in the Force around the two men was undeniably charged with attachment and empathy. Obi-Wan hurt when Anakin hurt. There was no denying it. Aayla suspected even the Clone troopers could feel it.

The medics moved Anakin into the medical unit, and Obi-Wan was temporarily separated from him by necessity. He was in no way sterile enough to enter a surgical theater. He stood at the closed doors for several moments before turning. Now he looked confused, lost. Aayla walked to him and took his arm. She led him to the mess for something to drink. She knew he had been in battle for hours.

He accepted the cup she pressed into his hands after she got him seated. He sipped absently at it. Aayla sat next to him, thoughtfully sipping her own beverage. She carefully controlled her breathing, concentrating on her favorite meditation forms in her mind. She tried to project calm into the whole room but especially centered on the man next to her.

"You were right," Obi-Wan rasped at length. "You were right." He repeated the mantra several more times between sips. Aayla waited. When he had at last drained the liquid, he set the cup down on the table before him. Then he cradled his forehead in his hands, covering his eyes. His elbows rested in their gauntlets on the plastisteel, flimsy protection for body and soul.

Aayla reached out a tentative hand to rest on his nearest shoulder. He shuddered as he felt her touch. He turned his head to peek out at her and see how she looked. He wondered if she would feel justified or vindicated. He wondered if she deserved to feel both, as un-Jedi as it would be to gloat over another person. But, no, he decided, she would feel what he was feeling.

That was her point. She cared, and she felt. She hurt because he hurt. Just as with Obi-Wan and Anakin's hurts and cares. They shared them. They had too. Their bond was too strong not to.

"I didn't want to be right, Obi-Wan," she said softly. "A great many things I have seen and done would have been a lot simpler and less taxing had I been wrong."

He nodded and returned to covering both eyes from her.

She continued, "Rightness was never my quest. Understanding, identifying, empathizing was my goal. You knew that to be true then, and it is still true now." She began rubbing Obi-Wan's shoulder now. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Obi-Wan let out a shuttering sigh just this side of an actual sob. When he could catch his breath, he began, "Every time he comes this close to death, I find myself doubting what I have believed all my life. I doubt that there is 'no death, only the Force.' For, without Anakin in my life, I can no longer see my purpose."

"He was my pupil, my Padawan. He is my partner, my best friend, my brother. I know him better than myself, it seems. I have certainly taken more time to understand him than myself," Obi-Wan's voice still scratched with the scorching of the battle's smoke and debris. But he was gaining momentum in his confession.

"I have spent so much of our relationship trying to train him out of his emotional responses. To little avail and my everlasting chagrin. But now . . ." he choked and coughed for a spell.

"Now?" Aayla prompted gently.

Obi-Wan turned fully toward her now. He placed both of his hands squarely on her shoulders. "Now, I don't know who I am. Am I the man I used to be--fully realized through the lens of war and battle? Or am I a new man who has been forged in this inferno? I'm so confused and frightened." 

He stumbled on. "And the troopers. . . . thousands of them . . . every day . . ." he choked out again. "How can I go on seeing them slip away so easily, so fruitlessly? My point of view is so challenged by this war."

Obi-Wan's grip tightened on Aayla as he spoke. She reached up to grasp the hands and ease them in their stress. She composed her face to be the picture of serenity, projecting it for Obi-Wan to bathe in. He searched her face for his answers. Finally, he hung his head in apparent defeat.

Then Aayla spoke, trying to look into his downcast eyes, "I have observed you and your Padawan from a distance for many years. And what I saw was that you didn't see."

She paused to let him hear her and raise his eyes to hers. She reached out a blue hand and cupped the soft whiskers of his cheek. This, she thought to herself, is my gift from the Force. This is when I am most a Jedi. When I connect emotionally and help another living being.

When she had his attention, she continued. "You and your Padawan have always had a relationship that defied definition. We all knew it was unique in all the history of the Order. I came to know this personally when you brought your difficulties to me and discussed them. You were genuinely interested in understanding Anakin. You were an empathetic being for him. And you still are. You are just now realizing that you don't have to fight your own nature."

Aayla saw Obi-Wan's eyes widen at her revelations. This great Master Jedi had such a large blind spot when it came to his own capabilities. The only reason Aayla had continued their conversations as long as she had was because she knew that he was this person. And she also knew eventually that he would actualize it.

"You," Obi-Wan began in a whisper, "knew. You always knew. You were trying to teach me, to show me without pushing. You were my Master in this, Aayla. I am humbled and grateful." He placed his hand over hers on his own cheek, folding his fingers around her palm and squeezing gently.

She smiled gently at his words. She did not need praise or vindication. She had her reward in knowing herself as she helped Obi-Wan know himself.

Aayla said, "You were always struggling in that space between what you believed and what you knew to be your reality with Anakin. Your struggle was what made you so inflexible and staunch in your support of the Code when I would challenge you. The Code was the well-trod path. It was the place of consensus with other Jedi. It saved you from needing to deal with these conflicts of philosophy and behavior between the Force's Chosen One and the Order. You knew Anakin was Jedi, but you couldn't see how with his vast emotions."

Obi-Wan could do nothing but nod and hold on to her hand tightly.

"Be who you are, Obi-Wan. It gives you strength to share this tie to Anakin. Now you can share this tie with others and draw strength from them as well. You will find your own path--perhaps you already have. You have had a long emotional journey with your Padawan. The experience could guide you now."

Aayla had said her piece. She was satisfied that her friend was being guided by the Force as she was guided to help him in this time and situation of need.

Nodding, Obi-Wan said, "Thank you for your patience, Master Jedi. I apologize for being such a slow student, slow to understand and slow to change. But you never gave up on me--as the best teachers do not. I am indebted to you."

Then, a medic was at their side. Anakin was awake and asking for the General. Obi-Wan rose swiftly and made to follow behind the Clone. But then he turned back to Aayla and enveloped her in a hug. No more words were necessary between them.

He released her and marched toward his best friend. 

Aayla rose and attended to her troopers, moving among them as sunlight caresses the grasses.

\-------------

Months later, Order 66 was given, Anakin fell to the Dark Side, and Obi-Wan delivered a newborn to Tattooine. He had felt his friend Aayla die at the hands of the men she had fought for and beside so diligently. And as heavy as his heart was for all of his lost friends, he knew without doubt that she had found both her passion and her serenity in the Force.

 

The End.

 

Author's Note: I had no beta for this story, so any mistakes or weaknesses are mine alone. However, that also means I take full responsibility for any success as well!


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